The other day I was watching some little boys playing. It was an interesting sight. It was cute watching the boys punch each other, touch things they shouldn't, make bodily noises, and all the while ignorant of their mother who was trying to tame them, rolling her eyes in defeat.
I had an epiphany.
Boys and Men are not so different.
They just get taller... and hairier.
They like to hit things. They find enjoyment in annoying girls. "No" is the equivalent of "Go for it!". If something itches, scratch it. "I dare you/I bet you can't.." is all it takes.. And women are constantly rolling their eyes at them.
Men are strange. Many single girls view men with such awe and mystery. We read into everything, because we are simply convinced there is something so much deeper going on in that head of theirs. There must be something else..right? I guess in a way they are a mystery. Weird ones. Like...what the heck were you thinking mysteries. You think they are deep because they’re silent, or they are strong because they are solemn. No. No.....
Men are very easy to read I have come to realize. They are quiet because they either don’t know what to say, they aren't aware they are supposed to be saying something, or they weren't even sure you were talking to them in the first place. They can be calm, grounded and solemn because they are clueless or they don't know they should be trying to impress you, even though you’re practically jumping through fiery hoola hoops to get their attention.
Another observation:
As a dedicated and slightly ashamed viewer of The Bachelor, I have learned quite a bit about the male ego. Each year they take a perfectly decent guy and ruin him with choice. Here's my theory: All men think they are worthy of a harem; it's like this innate flaw in the male species that perpetuates with each generation, becoming stronger. So we, as an entertainment obsessed nation, take this poor unsuspecting single guy, thrust him into a circle of beautiful desperate dingbats who fight for his affection, and convince him he is worthy of a Solomon-like lifestyle.
Said bachelor has his dreams come true, and we as a nation, tell him he must choose only one. Only one?! He'll select one, of course, but it's too late. In his ego-inflated head he is now worthy of ALL of the women, and he'll never be able to stick to just one ever again. He'll want them all back, misunderstanding that harems and polygamy are banned in the US, except on reality TV of course. Or if he is like this years bachelor, he will not choose either girl because the question, "Which one?" is up there with, "Why am I here?" Hence the ruination of another good man.
So I sit back in amusement by these strange actions of the male species.
Now, don't get me wrong...There is even more I can say about the silliness of the woman's thought process. But that is for another day.
Maybe after an episode of Desperate Housewives.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
anfechtung
"My days have passed, my plans are shattered, and so are the desires of my heart." - Job
I don't quite understand what God is doing. Everything in my life is falling apart or being taken from me--my future, my relationships, my desires, my possessions, my hopes...even my health is failing me. Every day seems like another hopeless battle. God seems so far from me. "What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil." My worst fear has come upon me. God has hidden His face from me and taken His hand from my life.
Friends have come to me and told me what I have always told others in this situation...Oh, you just need to go to God. Pray about it. Read the Bible....Seek Him. You just aren't looking. For some that is true. But this isn't the case. Job says it better than I, after being told the same thing, "If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling!" I seek to find nothing. I have begun to wonder if I'm just a terrible Christian and if I brought this on myself somehow...
I came across an article that talked about the recent published writings of Mother Teresa. The world is shocked to find that she experienced quite a time of feeling disconnected from God. She compared her anguish to hell. Torture. Darkness. Oswald Chambers had a similar experience. It also wrote on Martin Luther's struggles. He called it his period of Anfechtung--doubt, turmoil, despair. He wrote, "God often, as it were, hides himself, and will not hear; yea, will not suffer himself to be found."
Luther found that the solution is to drive you to prayer, scripture and God's promises--faith in those promises.
"When one is possessed with doubt, that though he call upon the Lord he cannot be heard, and that God has turned his heart from him, and is angry....he must arm himself with God's word, promising to hear him. As to the when and how God will hear him, that is stark naught; place, time, and person are accidental things; the substance and essence is the promise."
I have to trust in His promises even though I feel like they are so far away...like I have no claim to them. Faith is a frightening thing for me right now. But promises and faith must go together... Without the promise there is nothing to believe...but without faith the promise is useless.
Why should my heart not be broken? When did this life become mine to glorify? Christian sympathy has me convinced I do not deserve this despair. It cripples me and hardens my heart. I am angry, because I expect blessing and comfort. I begin to question God's goodness, kindness, mercy....I sit at the door of self-pity.
The biggest trial I am facing is not in my belief of God, but belief that God's character is trustworthy.
This is the hardest trial of faith I have ever experienced. Feeling so far from God and removed from him is the very essence of hell. It could be so simple to fall into self-pity and give up. Holding on requires a strength so unknown to me, but it's what I desire. I am not going to ignore the fact that I am having these questions and feelings. I have learned so much from Job. He was always honest. But he never let go.
Even so, in all of this, I know that my Redeemer lives. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God. In the end he will stand upon the earth. How my heart yearns within me....
"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him."
I don't quite understand what God is doing. Everything in my life is falling apart or being taken from me--my future, my relationships, my desires, my possessions, my hopes...even my health is failing me. Every day seems like another hopeless battle. God seems so far from me. "What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil." My worst fear has come upon me. God has hidden His face from me and taken His hand from my life.
Friends have come to me and told me what I have always told others in this situation...Oh, you just need to go to God. Pray about it. Read the Bible....Seek Him. You just aren't looking. For some that is true. But this isn't the case. Job says it better than I, after being told the same thing, "If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling!" I seek to find nothing. I have begun to wonder if I'm just a terrible Christian and if I brought this on myself somehow...
I came across an article that talked about the recent published writings of Mother Teresa. The world is shocked to find that she experienced quite a time of feeling disconnected from God. She compared her anguish to hell. Torture. Darkness. Oswald Chambers had a similar experience. It also wrote on Martin Luther's struggles. He called it his period of Anfechtung--doubt, turmoil, despair. He wrote, "God often, as it were, hides himself, and will not hear; yea, will not suffer himself to be found."
Luther found that the solution is to drive you to prayer, scripture and God's promises--faith in those promises.
"When one is possessed with doubt, that though he call upon the Lord he cannot be heard, and that God has turned his heart from him, and is angry....he must arm himself with God's word, promising to hear him. As to the when and how God will hear him, that is stark naught; place, time, and person are accidental things; the substance and essence is the promise."
I have to trust in His promises even though I feel like they are so far away...like I have no claim to them. Faith is a frightening thing for me right now. But promises and faith must go together... Without the promise there is nothing to believe...but without faith the promise is useless.
Why should my heart not be broken? When did this life become mine to glorify? Christian sympathy has me convinced I do not deserve this despair. It cripples me and hardens my heart. I am angry, because I expect blessing and comfort. I begin to question God's goodness, kindness, mercy....I sit at the door of self-pity.
The biggest trial I am facing is not in my belief of God, but belief that God's character is trustworthy.
This is the hardest trial of faith I have ever experienced. Feeling so far from God and removed from him is the very essence of hell. It could be so simple to fall into self-pity and give up. Holding on requires a strength so unknown to me, but it's what I desire. I am not going to ignore the fact that I am having these questions and feelings. I have learned so much from Job. He was always honest. But he never let go.
Even so, in all of this, I know that my Redeemer lives. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God. In the end he will stand upon the earth. How my heart yearns within me....
"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him."
Sunday, November 4, 2007
new beginnings
I have finally transferred my xanga to a new blog....This is a time of change and what better way then my blog? This was my last entry so I decided to put it up until I get around to updating...
--------from October 1, 2007-----------
Sometimes in life walking in faith feels like death. I so desperately desire the answers to all my "why's"....but I feel the call to walk in peace with no answers within my grasp. One thing I have become quick to learn, God is worthy of my worship regardless of how I feel or what I have. We are to worship not by our feelings but in spite of them. God may never grant me peace, but He does grant me Himself. I am learning to make that sufficient for me...a worthy struggle and one I do not mind to fight for. It's just so hard.
"Everything else may become blurred, but this relationship with Jesus Christ must never be." ~ Oswald Chambers
My life is such a complete blur. I have no idea what is going on or what to do. I know what I should NOT do. But that is all. I followed God to decisions that shook my faith and my trust in Him. I have no answers and I now have the choice to walk forward with answers out of reach to me. All I know is who God is and who He wants me to be. Not what He wants me to do. I will walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes.
"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him" - Job 13:15
I'm learning to be grateful in this time as well. God has shown me how important it is to be thankful. I can walk in faith...but also in bitterness. I have for so long. But ...God has provided all my needs. What I see as my needs and what He knows are my needs are not always the same. Do I trust that He knows better?... Do I live like I trust that He knows better?
"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire." - Hebrews 12:28-29
This time has been given to me to teach me how to hunger after God, to trust Him blindly with all boldness, to rely on Him for all my needs.
-------------------------------------------
Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread
Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace
But Jesus, would You please . .
--------from October 1, 2007-----------
Sometimes in life walking in faith feels like death. I so desperately desire the answers to all my "why's"....but I feel the call to walk in peace with no answers within my grasp. One thing I have become quick to learn, God is worthy of my worship regardless of how I feel or what I have. We are to worship not by our feelings but in spite of them. God may never grant me peace, but He does grant me Himself. I am learning to make that sufficient for me...a worthy struggle and one I do not mind to fight for. It's just so hard.
"Everything else may become blurred, but this relationship with Jesus Christ must never be." ~ Oswald Chambers
My life is such a complete blur. I have no idea what is going on or what to do. I know what I should NOT do. But that is all. I followed God to decisions that shook my faith and my trust in Him. I have no answers and I now have the choice to walk forward with answers out of reach to me. All I know is who God is and who He wants me to be. Not what He wants me to do. I will walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes.
"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him" - Job 13:15
I'm learning to be grateful in this time as well. God has shown me how important it is to be thankful. I can walk in faith...but also in bitterness. I have for so long. But ...God has provided all my needs. What I see as my needs and what He knows are my needs are not always the same. Do I trust that He knows better?... Do I live like I trust that He knows better?
"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire." - Hebrews 12:28-29
This time has been given to me to teach me how to hunger after God, to trust Him blindly with all boldness, to rely on Him for all my needs.
-------------------------------------------
Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread
Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace
But Jesus, would You please . .
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