conundrum

I realize it's been awhile since I wrote last....This was my semester of over dedication and zero free time. I sold my soul to my school and it's organizations. Overcommitment is not wise. I tend to give myself fully to what I commit to...um, unless I commit to 100 things. Apparently it doesn't work like that. Lesson learned. Thank you.

I'm practicing my "No"'s. No. Noooo.

Regardless of my overzealous addiction to organizations and activities, it has been a beautifully blessed time. It has been a time of freedom, gifts, lessons and rest. I have been given more than I deserve and am thankful every day. Oh so thankful!

Struggles are still apparent in my life, even in times of joy. This calm in my life has been sweet. But something I have recently seen is that there is a risk in the quiet times of life. I have seen in myself that I have been lacking in my drive to stay strong in my relationship with God. Not that I have stopped desiring or pursuing...it's just been weak. I have seen it's effects in my actions and decisions. I was blind to it for awhile, but last week I saw that need in my life. Even in the good times there is still a need to fight. I wonder if it's deception....the thought that in good times we don't need to FIGHT. I still want to though. I don't want that mindset to take root.

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Lately I have been thinking about my inadequacies.

That's a positive topic! And a very deep well.

Really though, I know that many times I let my failures hold me back from living. I have the thought that when I fail, God cannot work in me any longer. I hold back because I believe that no good can come from such a dirty sinner like me. I make mistakes. Big ones. My sins are not small. I tend to do the things I know in my heart I do not want to do. I am lazy and apathetic. Why would God want to use me?

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Romans 7:14-25

The wrong in me has kept me from worshipping what's right with God. I truly believe Satan has thrown my failures in my face, laden me with guilt, and worked it into my heart--resulting in my behaviors. I hold onto my weakness and let it take over God's strength in me.

But that is not how I want to live! I have gotten sick of it. I'm tired of living a safe life, hiding behind what little good I do to sustain me and convince me that my life is ok. That I should settle for a mediocre life. No, I have never been one to settle. There is something in me that drives me to the unknown, to unique adventures, to risks. I want to make my world a little bigger. I want to use my hands, get them dirty..I want to build walls and trust that God is the one who will keep them standing. God does not need me, but I want to put my hands in. I am not needed, but God's grace allows me to help.

God's love is different. He sees my heart. And in my heart is God's love. A thousand times I may fail but His mercy remains. I need to learn to lose the mindset of me--my failures and my success--to gain Him. He is the only good in me. And in Him, He can do great things.

Here am I. Send me.

This is my creed

Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshiping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze new trails. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away. Chase the lion.